“Everything that happens to you is a reflection of what you believe about yourself. We cannot outperform our level of self-esteem. We cannot draw to ourselves more than we think we are worth.” ~Iyanla Vanzant
Wow, right? I read that this morning and was totally stunned.
It’s no secret that my self-esteem was low. I wore it right on the outside with my weight. I was unhappy, uncomfortable, and feeling unworthy. I worried about everyone’s opinions. When I was younger I was strong and did not care what people thought about what I was doing. I was so positive and energetic that it was borderline annoying. Slowly but surely in college, I let people break me down. I let their being uncomfortable with my personality dictate me. So I “toned it down” and became unhappy. I started eating my emotions and my life felt completely unbalanced because I was not being true to myself.
Yesterday I had a conversation with a close friend via text about some things she is going through. She likes to create drama, it’s just her personality and that’s ok, I love her for it! We don’t get a chance to talk a lot lately and I’ve changed a lot since this past few months since I have started finding my true self again and becoming more genuine. So new me was super positive and told her to hang in there and helped her with a plan to reduce the stress and chaos. I wasn’t prepared for her reaction. She said “you’re like the movie, Meet the Robinsons. Keep Moving Forward.” Total compliment to me..I adore that movie and, in all honesty, the shoe fits. But I felt like she was mocking me. She wasn’t looking for positivity or help. She was looking for “OMG what are you going to do? You must be so stressed! Transitional times suck!” I originally chalked it up to me being sensitive, but then it made me think about a lot of things.
Things are changing. I am changing. Being positive and energetic is in my nature and it’s so easy for me. Slowly, I’m realizing that those things are really ME, my authentic self that I have let others dictate. Going against myself to “fit in” or to match the mood of others, only created extreme unhappiness, especially because there is no way you can ever please everyone. I have an empathetic heart and I followed others to dark places so they were basically not alone but I couldn’t separate myself from it so I went and stayed, too, and I let it eat at me.
Truth is: all that matters is how I feel and think of myself. Why suppress who I really am? Who benefits from that? Why follow you to other places when I can help lift you up? What do I have to gain from losing myself (other than unhappy pounds)?
She has her own issues that she needs to work through. We all do. But I refuse to “tone it down” anymore. If that means losing a friend that I’ve known for a long time that doesn’t support my authentic me, then so be it. I’m not here to make everyone else happy, though I’m not sure how support and positivity doesn’t make someone else happy, but that’s your issue. You know what you’re going to get with me regardless.
My authentic self is far too valuable to hide and if I’m not your cup of tea..then that’s ok! I want YOU to be happy as much as I want myself to be happy. We are not all meant to be compatible at all times in our lives. We all have highs and lows and I am finding myself again..and I’m not going to let her go. She’s so happy and awesome, comfortable with herself, and helpful to others. She’s not afraid of losing friends who don’t support her on her journey, can recognize (and values!) the good relationships, and doesn’t feel the need to fill her life with toxic people who are constantly trying to whittle away her personality.
This is my authentic me. As time goes on, I imagine I’ll discover more things about myself that is true to my nature that I have repressed. You can expect me to change more but I’d rather be pushing forward than falling behind into some dark, unrecognizable hole. We need to raise our self-esteems and attract what it is that we are worthy of, which is a good, happy, healthy, and successful life. The best way I can help others is by being true to myself and letting them be true to themselves. We are all unique and the world needs each of us in our truest form to make an impact and help others. Reflect who you are so that you can attract the best for yourself.